Dr. Abby Medcalf: The Art of Thriving Relationships

The transcription is, for the most part, AI-transcribed and is currently 85% accurate. We are still weeding out some minor errors.

The IPS Academy
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Jellis Vaes
Hey, everyone. This is Jellis Vaes, the founder of The IPS Project. Normally I would also say and the host here on The IPS Podcast, but in this case, I'm actually not being the host. In fact, someone else is taking over, and that person is Dr. Abby Medcalf. Dr. Abby Medcalf a psychologist and relationship expert with more than 30 plus years of experience in the field. Now, this is a bonus episode, and basically in this episode I wrote down a bunch of questions that I wasn't able to ask in the interview that I did with Dr. Medcalf, and she will take over the podcast and answer those questions by herself. Now, if you liked this bonus episode and if you liked spending time with Dr. Abby Medcalf and you feel like you want to learn even more from her, then do check out the interview that I did with her. Which was episode 35. And you can just find it through scrolling through the app, whichever one that you're using or by checking the description of this episode. I will put a link there. Also in the description, you can find the show notes of this episode, and in the show notes, you can find any resources that Dr. Abby Medcalf mentioned or as well ways to connect with her. Now, if for some reason you can't find the show notes in the description, then you can also go directly to theipsproject.com/podcast and search for Abby. But with that, I will leave the talking over now to Dr. Abby Medcalf. I hope you will enjoy.

Dr. Abby Medcalf
Well, hello. I'm Dr. Abby Medcalf. Relationship, maven, psychologist. All the things. And I've been asked to take over the podcast today, and I have a bunch of questions I'm going to be answering from how to keep the spark alive, to communication, to dating advice. So I say we get to it, and I'll read you the questions that I was given and here are my answers. All right, so first we're going to talk about dating. And the first question is some listeners let me just bring this up. Some listeners might know someone in their friend circle who is a wonderful person, who's intelligent, funny, good looking, but who keeps feeling like they can't find the right person? What suggestions would I give to those people or to anyone else who's listening, who feels like them? And this is such a good question. And what I always answer to this is really the same thing that is that when you're dating, just in general, and I would say in all related, how do you like this in every relationship? But especially even when you're in a relationship, but when you're dating and when you're in that realm, I want you to focus on who you're meant to be, not who you're meant to be with.

When we're focused on the other person and who they are and what they're doing, and how do I be this person for that person? We get so asked backwards. We get so screwed up in our thinking, and the focus is on the wrong thing. Instead, you focus on who you're meant to be. What do you love? What brings you happiness? What brings you joy? I will tell you this. A joyful person will have a much easier time finding the right mate than someone who is anxious, who comes into a date feeling like they want to impress and I want to be a certain way, and he says he likes this or she says she wants that, so let me be that. No, I've talked a lot and even on this podcast before about how our conscious brains process information at a rate of 40 bits per second. But our unconscious or subconscious brains process information at a rate of 11 million bits per second. That means people don't hear what you say, they hear what you mean. So if you're coming into a date and you're anxious and you want them to like you, and you're just all well focused on that, what happens is people's 11 million bits picks up on that and they start to think, like, what's wrong with this person?

Why are they so what's this energy? They don't consciously know what you're thinking. Obviously. They can't read your mind, but they can read this other stuff. They can fill in those blanks, and they're filling them in all the time, and you're coming across in the exact way you don't want to. And then you're wondering why the person doesn't call you back, why they ghost you. Go in confident. Not cocky, but confident. Clear. Just be yourself. Bring him. Be yourself. I'll tell you a quick funny story. When I met Gary, I had just my ma'am I had been out of a long term relationship, and I was not looking for another long-term relationship, if I'm going to be really frank. I was looking for a one night stand. That's what I thought. I thought, I just want to have sex with someone new. After two decades of being with someone else. That's really where I was. So on our first date, we had a blind date. We met through the Internet. I was so myself. I was 100% myself. And here's what's crazy. He had also not been looking for a relationship. He was sort of looking for a good time, which is why we had had that conversation before.

So he was completely himself. And I have to tell you, it's more than a decade later, and we're still together. We were so ourselves, and we were so relaxed, so at ease, and we just fell in love with each other. And it happened over a couple. Like, suddenly we kind of both woke up, hey, I really like you. And I remember fighting it because I was like, no, I'm not looking for a relationship. But there was this beautiful, natural ease. And I'm not saying that will happen for you exactly that way, but I am saying there is something about being relaxed, being at ease, and just being you. And so focus on who you are meant to be, not who you're meant to be with. Focus on being happy. Now, most of us want a relationship because we think then we'll be happy. Oh, once I'm in a relationship, then I'll be happy. That's not how it works. Once I get this better job, then I'll be happy. Once I, once I, when I'm this tall, I can go on the ride and then I'll be happy. Happiness is now. If you are waiting for something outside of yourself to fulfill that happiness, that's part of the problem.

So really check your motivations. Really check in with that. And that actually brings me to we have another question here, which is a lot of people know what they want in another person, but never ask themselves what they can bring to the relationship, to their partner. What do you feel are good questions to ask yourself or good things to do to help prepare yourself to bring the most into a relationship? And I think that's the way to go. What are you bringing to the table? What do you have? What are the things that you want to see be feel in this relationship? And there's really nothing more important than that. Again, it's the reason we want to be in a relationship, for how we think it'll make us feel. So feel that way now and then make sure that when you're with the person, you still feel that way. Maybe even just more. Maybe it's just even magnified. But if you're feeling happy and serene and you get in a relationship and suddenly you're feeling drained and overwhelmed and anxious, then there's a problem, right? There's a disconnect. So the thing I would say to work on the most is really the behaviors.

I don't know if there's questions to ask yourself exactly, but what I would say to do, hands down, is to become a ninja at Mindfulness. I can teach you every great tool there is for how to be happy in a relationship, for how to communicate well, for all the things. But if you don't remember to use them in a moment. If you're not mindful enough to be in the moment and notice, oh, I'm on this date with this guy, and I'm actually feeling anxious right now, if you can't notice that and then change it, you're screwed. What's the point of learning all this great stuff? You want to be able to change it as close to the time that it's happening as possible. If you're having a chat on a date and it's going really well, and then this woman says something and you realize you're being triggered by maybe it reminds you of something your mother said. Maybe it reminds you of a past relationship, and suddenly you're feeling angry, maybe, or annoyed or anxious or something that's not good. You have to be able to notice that. You've got to be able to step back and go, this person is not my mother.

This person is not my ex. Take a breath. Maybe I'll even ask again. Can you repeat that? I got a little lost in my head for a minute. Can you repeat what you just asked or what you just said? Or can you say more about what you meant by that? Because maybe it's a red flag. Maybe you are dating your mother, and you need to know now, but be in the moment and really be there so you can manage your emotions. The only way you can manage your emotions is to be aware of them. And so you have to be in those moments. So becoming expert at mindfulness, I would say, is your top, top priority. If you're going to ask yourself anything, I think it's, what's my motivation here? What is my motivation for getting into a relationship, period? What am I looking for? And I think that people often are looking for the wrong things and that they're trying to have a relationship out of fear, not out of love. If you want a relationship, if you answer that question, why do I want to be in a relationship? Well, I don't want to be alone.

You got to be with somebody. My ex is already happy. I feel behind. I want to have kids. I want to have a family. I want to feel settled. I want to feel safe. I want to have security. Those are all fear-based responses. Yeah. Having kids too. I said it because you're feeling a pressure, especially women by a certain age, we have to have kids. You have to take step back. That is not the reason to be with this person, this particular person you're on a date with or you want to date. Those reasons have to come from love. They have to come from the love-based side. It's, I want to have more excitement in my life, or I want to have more I want to share, I want to explore more. There's things I want to share with someone. When I'm with people, it's like a synergy that I'm really excited about. I'm happy as I am, but I love the energy of that. I want you to be thinking about what it is that's driving you. And if it's a fear-based, emotion, thought, which we feel the way we think.

So a thought or emotion, if it's fear-based, you can't build a love relationship on fear. It's never going to work. So that's why you can't be fearful when you go on a date. It has to be that confidence, clarity, compassion, self, love, openness, willingness, all the good things. That's where that comes from. So I hope that answered that question. Well, I hope it did.

The IPS Academy
Before we continue with the interview, I just like to take a moment to mention if you feel that you've gained some insights and lessons from this interview and you're curious to see what else we offer at The IPS Project, I recommend that you check out The IPS Academy, where we offer online courses taught by guests here on The IPS Podcast. Learn more about essential life topics such as mental health, relationships, the mind and the body and brain through fun and interactive courses. Simply go to theipsproject.com/academy or check the description of this episode to find the link. Each course has a few lessons to try for free so you can get a taste of what the course is like. We have countless reviews from other students so you can see what others think. And there is a 30-day money-back guarantee. If you end up not liking the course again, check them out at theipsproject.com/academy or by clicking on the link in the description of this episode. Having said that, let's return back to the interview.

Let's get to communication. So that was the next title that I got sent. So the question says, in a good relationship, it should be okay to share and discuss any issue. There are, of course, more challenging conversations where emotions will come into play. We all know that sometimes you'll bring up a topic that might trigger something in your partner, like they might get angry, sad, whatever. So then the question is, what, in general, are some good ground rules for people to know when they want to have an emotional or what you think is going to be a confrontational conversation with your partner? And so let me just say this. If you think it's going to be confrontational when you walk in, you're screwed. This is that 11 million bits versus the 40 million bits. I want you to think if you're making statements or coming into a conversation with the idea that it's going to be confrontational, that's on you. That's a problem. Then you're going to have a confrontation. I guarantee it. And then you think, oh, see, I was right. You're not right, you're creating it. So instead, I always think to myself, how do I want the other person to feel when we end our talk?

How do I want to feel when we end our talk? And I don't want to feel angry. So I want them to feel angry. Now you can't control what someone else how they respond. I want to say that you can say everything perfectly and you've done this before, you've said it perfectly and they still get angry, defensive, whatever. But there are things you can do so that you walk away knowing that you came at it the right way. That you were healthy, that you were direct, that you were loving and compassionate. So that's the first thing I always say is I always compare conversations like this to painting a room. If you've ever painted a room, you know that the prep is where 90% of the work is and then the 10% of the actual painting goes very quickly. If you've done the prep work correctly, right, taping off the corners and covering things and doing the things you're supposed to do makes the painting go quickly. It's the same thing with having a conversation. So time of day, don't have these conversations at 10:00 at night when you're both exhausted after working all day.

Think about it. That's not the time to have it. I say a lot. We have to connect to correct. So only have these conversations that are harder when you're in a connected good place. And I know what you're thinking, you're like I don't want to have it. Then we're getting along, I don't want to poke the bear. No, that's exactly when you're both feeling close, emotional, loving, compassionate, open. This is the perfect time because you're then coming from that place oh my God, I love this person so much. I feel so close to them and there's this thing I want to be better. So let me talk to them. And then let me say this, I say it all the time. Don't sack your relationships sac. Don't offer suggestions, give advice or criticize. So when you have something you want to say to someone, start with a question. It is the best thing. So for example, if you feel like your sex life is in the crapper and you want to have more sex then a wonderful thing in a moment when you're feeling connected to your partner. You guys are getting along really well, you can stop and always ask permission first.

This is another tip. It uses a different part of our brain. Hey, want to ask you something? Is this a good time? I want to ask something or I was thinking about something. Do you feel like we could have a chat right now? And again, say it in that lighter way will help. Not like I have something I really have to talk to you about. Of course that's not going to go over well. And then my favorite question there is hey, what would you like to see more of in our sex life? Don't talk about how you're not having enough sex and you wish it was better, and you don't like how he doesn't go down on you or whatever. No, that's criticizing. And I know you don't think it's critical because it's criticizing, because you're deciding what's right and what's wrong, and they're not wrong just because you think you're right and vice versa. So wanting more sex isn't right. It's not wrong either. And wanting less sex isn't right or wrong. Right. Not knowing how to give head is not right or wrong. It just is. It just is. These are preferences. These are just things that are so how do we get to a place where someone trusts us enough to want to lean in, to learning, to being open, to being vulnerable?

And it's not when you're confronting them and telling them how wrong they are and how bad they do something or how angry you are. It is from that place of loving connection when you're really trying to figure it out. You have to go into that conversation not with we're going to have more sex and I'm going to figure out how to convince this person. You have to go into the conversation really curious, like, wow, what could our sex life look like? What are things that we want to see more of in it? And you could ask, what would you like to see less of? That's okay, but more of is always a lovely way to go. I know I want to have sex five times a week, and my partner only wants it twice or never or once or whatever. And I wonder where all that is. So even asking the other person if they don't want to have sex very much, tell me what happens when we have sex. How do you feel afterwards? Or what worries you about our sex life? Or is there anything that makes you anxious about what I do?

Or tell me more. There isn't a better question on the planet. Tell me more as a question. I'm curious. And if you're not 100% curious, don't have a conversation. If you're just driving towards an answer, the person will feel it with that 11 million bits. They're going to know they're just trying to prove themselves right. I'm being manipulated into a place which is what's happening, and I don't like it, and I'm going to resist. And that's why you get a lot of resistance. So definitely thinking of the time of day where your partner is already being connected before you have a more difficult conversation. And then I love to start those conversations if you can, if it works with an intention like, hey, I want to talk to you about finances, and I just want you to know I love you so much. I have utter faith in us as a couple that we will figure this out. I know I have been kind of whatever in the past, but I don't feel that way right now. I love you. I want to figure this out together, and I want us to brainstorm how to get there, how to get on a place where we're on the same page.

So is this a good time for that? Is this okay? My intention is that we both walk away from this talk, feeling heard, feeling seen, feeling loved. What's your intention? You can ask the other person and say it out loud. It doesn't have to be a secret what your intention is. My intention is to listen really well. My intention is to not interrupt at all and not rebut. Anything you say is to listen and then ask and questions. Do you see where I'm going here? This is a collaborative conversation. This is brainstorming. This is a synergistic, wonderful, beautiful, rich conversation, and it could be about the hardest thing there is. It's not about going in right away with your hurt feelings. That's what people usually do. Like I'm mad about. And you can. But I got to tell you, this works better. If you can get to a place where you're not feeling hurt in the moment to have the conversation, if you can get to a place where you want to have a resolution and there's not only one that they get that they're wrong and they say how wrong they are and you move on.

There's something else here that we can get to together as a team. And I'm telling you, we'll have a completely different I guarantee you, you're going to have a completely different conversation, okay? Going forward. All right. So what do you do if your partner another question in this is, what do you do if your partner is triggered and if you can notice the trigger? This is where the mindfulness is that I said before, when you notice that someone is triggered and you can see it, usually you can watch them. They start getting defensive. They get angry. They shut down. Something happens, right? Just stop the conversation. You should not keep trying to talk through that. Just stop. Depending on what's happening, it can be very good to ground the person, and you know your partner better than I do, but to touch them and you can always ask them when you guys are doing well, like, hey, when you're having a hard time in a conversation with me, would it be good if I touched you? It helps ground people. Sometimes it's just this you sort of make eye contact and say, hey, I'm right here.

Are you okay? And my favorite question, of course, is, what are you feeling right now? What are you thinking right now? Make sure you're getting a feeling. When you ask for feelings and not thoughts, that's usually what people do. I feel like you're being really mean, and you're overwhelming me, and I feel like I need to that's not feelings. Those are thoughts. So you can let people do that. But then stop and say what are you feeling? We can stop this conversation, but give me a moment. Dig deep rhythm right here, right now. What are you feeling? And really help them get to an actual feeling. Feelings are tough. It's why the stuff isn't easy. And you want to help people get there again. You're a team. You're always a team. So how do we get to this place? It's never a you problem, it's a we problem when you're a couple. And another question. This is under the heading of keeping the spark alive. There's something called the three-year itch and the seven-year itch. These are the years during which most relationships end. Is this a real I should have looked this up before. Sorry. Is this a real thing or is there data? I don't think it is. It might be. I don't have the research off the top of my head. I apologize. I should have looked at these questions earlier. I was trying to be spontaneous in my question, in my answers, so it didn't feel like canned. I do not know if that's really true, but I don't think it matters, actually. I think at any partner at a time in a relationship, people can feel like they've had enough. And this is hard and I don't want to go any further. I think it matters if you have kids or not. I think it matters how many kids. So I would say not to focus on a three. I say a lot. Great relationships aren't built in a day. Great relationships are built daily. So don't worry about a three-year or seven-year or ten-year or anything else. Worry about every day. And don't worry care. Don't worry care. Care about every day. Care about each day with your partner. So right there is how you keep the spark alive. How can couples maintain intimacy and connection once they're in a long-term relationship?

And again, you do it every day, I hope, from the beginning of the relationship. And things grow and morph and change over time. We get out of the lust part, we get into the romance, we get into more of a long term attachment. That's all normal and wonderful. It does not mean your sex life has to go away, though. It just means it's going to shift. So what it's really about, what I have found over and over is that people in general, men and women, heterosexual, homosexual, relationships, whatever, people want to feel seen and heard. End of, end of. So every day I would ask yourself, has my partner felt seen by me today? Have they felt heard by me today? I would do that every day. Every day before you go to bed, maybe even ask them out loud, is there one of my favorite little relationship check in exercises? I heard it from Jack Canfield, something I read by him, but he took it from somewhere else. And it's basically this and do it a little different than he does it. Actually, I use a scale of one to six. So on a scale of one to six, six is you ask your partner on a scale of one to six. Six. I'm a rock star partner. I'm the best partner there ever was. One. I'm really sucking at the partner thing. I need some serious help. How would you rate me? Now, don't get too worried yet because I'm going to tell you how this works. So what's nice about one to six is that the person you're going to see, they can't pick a middle, you know what I mean? There's no middle there. There's a clear you're either one, two, three or you're four, five, six, right? You're either on one side or the other of that. But no matter what the person answers, and it's very rare for someone to answer a six. I don't even know if someone answered six and said you were a six, I would ask them, what is it that I do or say that makes it a six? And I would just do more of that or say more of that. But if they answer anything else five or below you want to ask, give me three things that I could do to make it a six. And here's the key. You want the person to answer in the positive, not the negative.

So it can't be, well, don't nag me so much and stop asking me this and don't do that. It can't be the don't because our brains can't. That's not a goal to don't do something. It has to be in the positive. And this is a really good exercise to do with your partner anyway for them, because a lot of times people know what they don't like and they don't even know what they want. So what target are you even trying to hit? How are you even supposed to get there? So stop yourself and ask the question, what would it take to make it a six? Well, I'd like you to call me every day from work and then you can know that you've done that thing. That's what I love about this. I can tell if I've done it or not. It's a clear goal and I can do it. And then even with that, you might say, well, do you want me to call you every single day? There's days where I really can't. Is there anything else I could do to have you feel loved every day or start asking questions? What is it about a phone call that lets you know I love you?

Tell me more. And again, be curious. Don't go in your head like, oh, I don't want to do that, I got to get out of this. Instead, be curious, ask questions. It might be anything from please plan our dates from now on. And again, when anything seems like it's forever. You're not going to keep up something forever. So I would stop and just say, well, let's do this for a week and then let's check back in, or let's do it for two weeks and check back in and make it happen. And if it's something you really can't do, if you have a kind of job where you cannot check in during the day, you just know that's not going to happen. Then say, that's not something I can do. Can you give me something else? Let's brainstorm something else that you know, I love you, I'm thinking about you, and that's why you want to ask questions. What does it give you when I check in in the middle of the day? What's happening? What's always happening is that the other person in that example is feeling insecure during the day, like you've forgotten them and you're off and you're talking to other people at work and they're feeling insecure.

You can't fix your partner's insecurity, so you want to have that conversation. If that comes up, you want to really dig on that thing to find out if your partner says something like, could you put away the dishes at night before you go to bed? You got to think about, can I make that happen? So listen to the answer and then again, ask questions off the answer or just do the thing. These are wonderful ways, again, to make a relationship great every single day. You cannot come back to that. It's like getting fit. You can't go to the gym once a month and expect to be fit. Well, it's the same thing with your relationship. You can't not work on it and then have grand date nights or one big trip somewhere, or one big gesture or a big gift and think that's going to do it, because it's not. It's all the little things. It's the everyday of feeling seen and heard. So really focus on those things. Listen to what your partner says they want, not what you want to do, but what they want, and find a way to either do it or to change expectations around it or to really understand why so you can feel more motivated to do it.

All right. And then the last question here is taking steps. I'm sure there might be people listening who truly love what you shared and might say to themselves, yeah, I'm going to be able to use this information. But often, and we're all guilty of this, we end up doing nothing with the information we receive to improve our lives. Is there some tool or technique or tip that you use when you work individually with clients to help them actually use what they've learned? Taking action is hard. Creating a new habit is hard. How do I help people with that? Yeah, it's true. So number one, don't try to do a lot of things at once. Do one thing, decide on one thing. Don't try to do. I've mentioned a lot of things in this podcast. So if every morning you woke up and set intention and you did that for a few weeks, just do that one thing. Just do that one thing. Just work on that. You can make a little list so you don't forget the other things you want to do. Or the mindfulness is really what I would tell you to start with.

And success is scheduled. Jim Rohn said that. He's a famous motivational speaker. Success is scheduled. So schedule it. I do the mindfulness and my meditation and other things. I have timers that go off. One thing you can do for Mindfulness is set a reminder on your phone for three times a day for a week. And then when the timer goes off, just notice where you are. Bring your mind back to the present. Notice how you're feeling. Try to identify a feeling you're having and try to shift your brain into a good place, a healthy kind of love based feeling, and that's it. I call it the 18 2nd shift because I've timed it because I'm crazy and it takes an average of about 18 seconds. So if you don't have 18 seconds, I don't know that I can help you three times a day, less than a minute a day. So I would say to do that first, just do one thing, commit to it. And don't just commit. Figure out an action you can take, like setting the alarm, a reminder on your phone for three times a day. Do the action and have that.

Be the one thing. Get an accountability partner. But again, it tends to be that we overwhelm when we go on a diet. We also have a boot camp and we also want to now start eating vegan, organically. You put too much down. Just start with a daily walk. And then if that goes well, maybe join a gym. And if that goes well, start looking at your food. And even that might be, oh, I'm going to start drinking more. I'm going to just add more water during the day. I'm going to start doing that. And one thing at a time is how you get to where you're trying to go. Not everything at once, so be kind, be kind. Mostly be kind to others, for sure, but really be kind to yourself. Be patient, slow your role. You got this. You can do all the things I'm saying. Just take it one step at a time. All right, that is it. Thank you for having me as a guest on the podcast and letting me take over for the day. I'm Dr. Abby Medcalf. You can find at abbymedcalf.com A-B-B-Y-M-E-D as in Donald. C-A-L-F, abbeymedcalf.com, and all my stuff is there. The relationships Made Easy Podcast. And I have a free Mindfulness Starter Kit on the website if you want to do that. All the things all my life is there social all that you can find in one place. All right, I love you. Thank you for having this time with me. I really appreciate it. It was totally fun. All right, take care. Have an amazing day, and I'll see you on the other side.

Jellis Vaes
And there we go. I hope you enjoyed this episode with Dr. Abby Medcalf and that you learned a whole lot more about romantic relationships, dating, and communication. Now, if you are actually interested to learn even more from her do, check out the interview that I did with her, which was episode 35, and, well, you can find it by just scrolling through whichever app that you're using, but I will also link it up in the description of this episode. And there as well in the description, you can find the show notes of this episode where any resources that Dr. Abby Medcalf mentions here can be found, and as well, the interview with her. But with that, I hope I get to welcome you again on another episode here on The IPS Podcast. Ciao.

The IPS Academy
Before you take off, if you already feel like you've gained many lessons and insights from this episode and you want to continue your journey of personal growth, be sure to take a look at The IPS Academy, where we offer in-depth, quality, and fun online courses from experts that have appeared here on the podcast. Learn from a two-time world record holder how to master goal setting and confidence. Learn from a certified stress educator how to manage your stress and live a more balanced life. Learn from a therapist how to heal past wounds. And learn from a neuroscientist to master your mindset. These are but some of the course topics you can find at The IPS Academy. Each course we offer is made with fun animations and stunning illustrations. There are also a few lessons to try for free so you can get a taste of what the course is like. We have countless reviews from other students so you can see what others think. And last but not least, there is a 30-day money-back guarantee if you end up not liking the course. If any of this sounds interesting to you, you can check out our courses by going to TheIPSProject.com/academy or by clicking on the link in the description of this episode.

Relationship Success with Dr. Abby Medcalf: Dating, Communication, Intimacy

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Healing Yourself Through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

Learn with a therapist using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, an evidence-based psychotherapy, to heal yourself.