Improve Your Sex Life with Sex Educator and Coach, Ruth Ramsay

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Sex… It’s a captivating topic that elicits a range of emotions. While many enjoy it and harbor sexual fantasies, a significant number also grapple with shame linked to factors like religion, culture, trauma, personal insecurities, and upbringing.

Recognizing the intricate nature of sex—ranging from wonderful to traumatic—I invited sex educator and coach Ruth Ramsay to share her expertise on the show. 

With a TEDx Talk ('Revamp Your Sex Life In 6 Minutes') boasting over 1.5 million views, a decade’s experience as a striptease artist, a transformation coaching diploma, and her impactful activism for sexual rights, including an award for advocating for the erotic rights of people with disabilities, Ruth brings a wealth of experience to the table.

As Ruth pointed out to me during the interview, while maybe most people might enjoy sex, most people aren’t enjoying sex anywhere near as much as they could.

Therefore, I am confident to say that you will learn more than a thing or two to help you either break some of that stigma and shame or consciously improve your sex life in this episode with sex educator and coach Ruth Ramsay.

Websites:


Online Courses from Ruth:

  • - The Passion8 Programme (The Passion8 Programme is an eight-week online course by Ruth Ramsay to transform your sexual life.)
  • - Understanding Your Erotic Mind (£15 / ~$18) (Are you ready for your best sex ever? We tend to look outside ourselves for turn-ons, but understanding how our erotic mind works can lead to our hottest experiences.)
  • - How to Please a Woman* in Bed (£15 / ~$18) (Want to know how a woman can experience her highest peaks of ecstasy while in bed with you? Then this presentation from Ruth Ramsay is for you!)
  • - How to Feel Confident Naked (£15 / ~$18) (Are you ready to banish your shame and fear, and feel confident nude (or in your skimpies), whatever your age or size?)


Videos:

  • - Revamp your sex life in 6 minutes | Ruth Ramsay | TEDxDaltVila (Is there a simple mindset shift that can radically improve our sex lives? One which can apply whatever our circumstances, experience or preferences? Yes! Sex coach Ruth Ramsay shares this shift, and how its ramifications go way beyond increasing our pleasure. )


Books:

  • - Urban Tantra, Second Edition: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-First Century (If you think sexual and spiritual bliss can't be found in today's fast-paced world, you haven't experienced Urban Tantra. Celebrating the 10th anniversary of Urban Tantra, acclaimed sex educator Barbara Carrellas radically updates the ancient practice of Tantra for modern sexual explorers desiring to discover new frontiers.)
  • - Come As You Are: Revised and Updated: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life (For much of the 20th and 21st centuries, women’s sexuality was an uncharted territory in science, studied far less frequently—and far less seriously—than its male counterpart. That is, until Emily Nagoski’s Come As You Are, which used groundbreaking science and research to prove that the most important factor in creating and sustaining a sex life filled with confidence and joy is not what the parts are or how they’re organized but how you feel about them.)
  • Trans Sex (The aim of this book is to equip providers with both conceptual frameworks and concrete tools for better engaging their trans, non-binary, and gender expansive clients in pleasure-centered discussions of sexual health.)
  • Magnificent Sex: Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers (Magnificent Sex is based on the largest, in-depth interview study ever conducted with people who are having extraordinary sex.)


Podcasts:

  • - Sexology Podcast (Each week, your host, Dr. Nazanin Moali interviews experts, psychologists and researchers to explore the most intriguing findings in psychology of sex and intimacy.)


Movies:

  • - The Sessions (The Sessions is a 2012 American erotic comedy-drama film written and directed by Ben Lewin. It is based on the 1990 article "On Seeing a Sex Surrogate" by Mark O'Brien, a poet paralyzed from the neck down due to polio, who hired a sex surrogate to lose his virginity. John Hawkes and Helen Hunt star as O'Brien and sex surrogate Cheryl Cohen-Greene, respectively.)
  • - Intro 00:00 - 03:33
  • - Where shame, negativity, and stigma around the topic of sex, eroticism, and sexuality often come from 03:33 - 06:28
  • - If you have shame around sex, here is what Ruth wants you to know first 06:28 - 09:30
  • - How Ruth became a striptease artist 09:30 - 16:20
  • - The shame people tried to inflict on Ruth 16:20 - 17:50
  • - Two key bits of advice Ruth received at The London School of Striptease 17:50 - 19:08
  • - Ruth's thoughts on today's glamorization of the striptease industry through Instagram and Tiktok 19:08 - 22:19
  • - The IPS Academy 22:19 - 23:35
  • - Why Ruth became an adult sex educator and coach 23:35 - 29:35
  • - What happens during sex coaching, who it is for, who it isn't for 29:35 - 32:35
  • - Ruth's Tedx Talk 'Revamp your sex life in 6 minutes' 32:35 - 36:05
  • - The subjects Ruth would teach in school if she were invited to do so for a year 36:05 - 41:59
  • - Resources about anatomy and sex science 41:59 - 43:12
  • - Resources to learn and explore more about what you physically like 43:12 - 47:20
  • - Tantra 47:20 - 49:06
  • - Sex surrogacy 49:06 - 53:59
  • - The damaging side of not being recognized as a sexual being 53:59 - 56:35
  • - The work Ruth did with disabled people 56:35 - 1:00:48
  • - How to change your self-image if you don't see yourself as sexy or erotic 1:00:48 - 1:05:31
  • - How to start talking with your partner about desires, fantasies, etc. 1:05:31 - 1:08:35
  • - Podcast suggestions about sex education 1:08:35 - 1:10:07
  • - Would you want a round two with Ruth? (Let us know! :)) 1:10:07 - 1:11:01
  • - Where to connect with Ruth Ramsay 1:11:01 - 1:13:11
  • - Online courses by Ruth Ramsay 1:13:11 - 1:14:23
  • - The final question 1:14:23 - 1:14:55
  • - Outro 1:14:55 - 1:15:59
  • - The IPS Academy 1:15:59 - 1:17:25

The transcription is, for the most part, AI-transcribed and is currently 85% accurate. We are still weeding out some minor errors.

The IPS Academy
Before we go on to the interview, have you already taken a look at The IPS Academy? The IPS Academy provides online courses from some of the best instructors out there on mental health, personal development, lifestyle, nutrition, mindfulness improving your life quality, etc. Each course we offer has been made in collaboration with an instruct who has also been a guest here on The IPS podcast. Have a look to see if there's a course to your liking. Read the full course descriptions and check out the thousands of positive reviews from students who have taken the course by going to TheIPSProject.com/academy. Or check the description of this episode to find the link. With that, let's dig into the interview.

Ruth Ramsay
As we get older, we learn to question the things that we've been taught. And we learn that sometimes the things that we were taught were incorrect. It might be that many of the things that that particular source taught us were incorrect. And we learn that partly through talking with other people and hearing about other people's experiences, having our own experiences as well. And we learn, okay, that source wasn't correct on many things, but we don't tend to apply the same thing to sex.

Jellis Vaes
Welcome, everyone, to another episode here on The IPS Podcast. I'm Jellis Vaes, the founder of The IPS Project and your host here on the show. Now, in this episode, I had the pleasure of welcoming adult sex educator and coach Ruth Ramsay to talk about, well, I guess you might guess it... About sex. Sex is a very interesting topic, right? It evokes a lot of different emotions for people, ranging from pleasurable to traumatic to something in between. I mean, there's so much on this topic. Shame is a big part of it too, that many people actually feel. We don't talk a lot about sex with other people, right? Maybe we talk with our partner about it, even though there it's not always a topic that many people talk about with their partner. But outside of our relationship, we don't discuss sex often, even though it is such a big part of many people life. Of being a human. So therefore, I was very, very excited to invite someone such as sex educator and coach Ruth Ramsay, who has and who is still doing, I mean, so much incredible work on this topic in breaking the stigma and that shame that often is associated around sex and who helps people to build a sex life that they're dreaming of.

Now, here is a short bio about Ruth to highlight her expertise and experience. Ruth has made notable appearances in the media, boasting a rich background that spends over a decade as a striptease artist. Beyond this, she has contributed to the discussions about the intricate world of sex through her writing, engaged in modeling, and played a pivotal role in establishing the first Union for adult workers in the UK. She is also a passionate activist for sexual rights, earning recognition through an award for her advocacy of the erotic rights of people with disabilities. Notably, her TEDx Talk 'Revamp Your Sex Life in Six Minutes' ranked up an extraordinary 1.5 million views within just a few months. I am very confident to say that you will learn more than a thing or two here in this episode with Ruth Ramsay to break maybe some of that stigma that you might be feeling or to improve your sex life. Now, to find any of the resources mentioned by Ruth, as she does share quite a lot of great resources in this episode, check out the show notes located in the description of this episode. Or you can also go directly to theipsproject.com/podcast and search for Ruth. There as well you can find all the ways to connect with her. Now, having said all that, I hope that you will enjoy this episode with adult sex educator and coach Ruth Ramsay.

Jellis Vaes
Ruth, a warm welcome here to The IPS podcast. I'm really excited to be chatting with you today.

Ruth Ramsay
Thank you so much for inviting me on.

Jellis Vaes
So we are, of course, going to talk about the work that you do today as a sex educator and coach and also the work you did as a striptease artist. But I think a great place to kick off this interview would be to already talk about sex and shame, because most people enjoy sex. Most people have fantasies about sex, but also most people have some shame around sex. And I mean, some people have a lot of shame around it, right? And there are, of course, a lot of reasons why people have shame that I can already think of. But I don't talk about sex with people as frequently as you do. So I want to throw the question at you. What have you seen in your work where this shame, negativity and stigma around the topic of sex, eroticism and sexuality many times comes from?

Ruth Ramsay
Well, you've already given an element of that answer when you said, I don't talk to people about sex like you do. Now, obviously, I know you meant in a work context. Yeah, the majority of people aren't talking about sex in a work context, but the majority of people aren't talking about sex at all. The shame around it is part of that, but then the silence around it perpetuates that shame. So for most of us, the message is that sex is something either dirty and wrong, or if not that, then certainly very private, something you do not talk about. I speak to people who are from faith backgrounds who have been taught that they will go to hell. We have from that extreme to the extreme kind of the other extreme. People say, oh, I was never taught it was wrong, but at the same time, it was never talked about. Or it might be a situation such as with my upbringing where I was given the impression sex is this wonderful, beautiful thing, but only for one special person. But whatever the background, wherever we originate from in that picture, the fact that we then don't talk about it, as I say, perpetuates that shame. We're never shown in film or TV or culture, we're never shown conversations about sex. And that's a big part of the ongoing problem. But, yeah, going back to our early years, it's incredibly rare for me to hear of anyone who was given an upbringing and education around sex that didn't involve shame.

Jellis Vaes
And for someone listening who has a lot of shame around sex because, like you said, they might have a religion that tells them it's a sin or because of their upbringing or because of whichever other reason, what is something you would already want them to know around shame going into this interview?

Ruth Ramsay
Well, what I would like them to do is to think back to where the sources of that shame come from and whether life has proved those sources always to be right in other areas. So very often, the sources of shame might come from, as we've said, from faith backgrounds or from parents, caregivers, teachers, et cetera. And as we get older, we learn to question the things that we've been taught. And we learn that sometimes the things that we were taught were incorrect. It might be that many of the things that that particular source taught us were incorrect. And we learn that partly through talking with other people and hearing about other people's experiences, having our own experiences as well. And we learn, okay, that source wasn't correct on many things, but we don't tend to apply the same thing to sex. And we can realize when we do that, we can realize, hang on, I'm believing outright the source of this information. Or it could be, for example, an early boyfriend, girlfriend, partner who said something horrible to you about how you were sexually, for example, and that stayed with you, and you've continued believing it when you can recognize that a lot of the things most of the things they said maybe were incorrect.

So look back at where this source of the shame comes from. Can you actually trust that? And you'll probably find that life experiences taught, you know, and so then that's the starting point then, to try to kind of create your own new set of beliefs around sex. But I suppose the thing that I would want people to know, which I think was your question, was that you're entirely normal if you feel shame and you struggle to even think about your sex life, let alone talk around about it. We think everyone's talking about it, but actually most people aren't. So you're entirely normal.

Jellis Vaes
Okay. Yeah. I mean, often hearing that that it's normal to feel this can already be a big comfort to many people. Right? Yeah. So we are, of course, going to talk more about shame throughout this interview. It's such a big topic that it's impossible to not pop up again. But I'm curious to just shift gears a little bit and to ask you a couple of things about the work that you did as a striptease artist. Very curious about that, actually, and correct me if I'm wrong, right. But you worked for a decade as a striptease artist, right?

Ruth Ramsay
Just over a decade, yeah.

Jellis Vaes
Or just over? Yeah. Okay. I know this question might have been thrown a lot at you, so I apologize for asking it once again, but what got you interested in becoming a striptease artist? And how did you get introduced to that world? Because it's not in school, you don't see that on the list of jobs to pick. Right. So, yeah, how did this all started actually?

Ruth Ramsay
Well, I had an awareness somehow of what a striptease artist was or this concept of someone standing on a stage and slowly taking their clothes off. I had an awareness of that from a young age. I don't know where or how. I do know that my parents had all of the Ian Fleming James Bond books, the books that the films were based on. And I know that there's various scenes in striptease clubs in the Bond books. So maybe flicking through books, I found something, but I had this kind of vision and I just thought it seemed like the most amazing thing in the world. But as you say, it's not something you talk about. I do remember in my kind of early to mid teens being given a set of kind of silk scarves by an auntie for Christmas or something like that, and tying them all round myself and dancing in my bedroom and taking one off at a time. So I had that awareness. But this is the what would that this be like? Late 80s, early 90s? You say being a striptease artist isn't on anyone's career plan, but these days I think it actually is with Instagram and the glamorization of the industry.

But back then, I mean, I never thought in a million years that it could actually happen. So I worked hard on my other big passion, which was writing. And I wanted to be a journalist and write about women's issues for the big glossy magazines. And I went to journalism college, got what was, at the time the best journalism degree in the country. Worked very hard to get that. And I was working in fashion business journalism in my mid-20s when I saw an advert for the London School of Striptease, and it was brand new. This is around 2001. I wasn't into fitness or dance or anything like that very much at all, but a friend of mine had convinced me to go to this dance fitness class with her. And on the notice board in this dance studio, I saw London School of Strictes, and I was like, wow, I'd never confided this fantasy in anybody ever, because I thought I'd just be laughed at. I thought it was ridiculous, but I thought, oh, here's an opportunity to go and explore this fantasy. So that's what I did. And I had no idea that that was going to lead to me ditching the fashion journalism job and becoming a full-time striptease artist. But that's how it started.

Jellis Vaes
How long is the training, actually, or like at the school there?

Ruth Ramsay
Well, as I say, this was in 2001, so I don't think the London School of Striptease exists anymore. But back then they were very new and if I remember correctly, there was a beginner's course and it was either eight or twelve weeks, that kind of duration, and about twelve women there for all sorts of reasons, all very, very nervous.

Jellis Vaes
Yeah.

Ruth Ramsay
But if I recall correctly, everyone finished the course and got so much from it. So then I signed up for the intermediate course, which again was maybe 8-10 weeks or so. And at the end of both of the courses, we had a guest performance from a real life stripper. And I was so excited. I was like, wow, starstruck. And then they stayed on and watched our end, of course, little shows that we did for each other. And in both cases they came up to me afterwards and said, if you wanted to actually do this for a living, you could do it. You're good, you've got it. So off I went. So for a year I did the journalism and dancing sort of side by side and then packed in the journalism altogether and became a full-time striptease artist.

Jellis Vaes
What did you do differently? Why did they come up to you? What did they see in you?

Ruth Ramsay
I don't know. They might have said that to everyone to be nice and boost their confidence.

Jellis Vaes
Well, who knows, right?

Ruth Ramsay
But I do know that I'd worked hard on putting my routine together and my outfit and things, and I absolutely loved it. So if I would guess if I was to be able to contact them now, my guess would be it was enthusiasm. Enthusiasm and passion for it.

Jellis Vaes
That does a lot. That does a lot. Your striptease artist's name was Solitaire, right?

Ruth Ramsay
Solitaire, yeah.

Jellis Vaes
Why that name? Did you choose it or did they give it to you or how does that work?

Ruth Ramsay
Well, Solitaire was one of the Bond girls.

Jellis Vaes
Yes.

Ruth Ramsay
James Seymour in Live and Let Die, the Bond film. So I've already mentioned thinking that the Bond books might have been part of my inspiration. I know that when James Bond films are on the TV at Christmas, I would love the opening sequences with typically scantily clad dancing girls at the start. And I already had in my mind that one of my kind of USP as a stripper was going to be dancing to the James Bond theme tunes to the music. So I was talking about this with the woman who was running the course, the striptease courses, because we'd often all go for a drink in the bar around the corner from the dance studio afterward and talking about, oh, what would your stage name be? And I said, oh, I want a bond girl name. And a lot of the Bond girl names are very ridiculous. I mean, Solitaire is a little bit ridiculous, but it's all like, oh, Jane Seymour, she was tall, long brown hair, what was her Bond girl name? And then someone said that was Solitaire. And I was like, yes. So that's then what it became.

Jellis Vaes
We talked a little bit about shame. Right? I'm just curious, did you feel some shame or hesitation in the beginning telling people that you worked with these artists and if you did, how did you became comfortable with it?

Ruth Ramsay
I didn't feel any shame. So for me, this was stepping into what felt like my life's purpose and actually, it was kind of the opposite of shame. I was so full of it, if you understand that term. I was so full of it and like bursting with enthusiasm and joy and excitement and for some people who were uncomfortable hearing about it, I recognized, looking back, that I went on and on and on about it and I didn't take into account other people's discomfort necessarily. So I wasn't ashamed. But I did have a lot of people try to put shame on me. Okay, so I was told, you'll never get a proper job again after this, no employer will ever want you, no man will ever want you, you'll never find a husband. Not that I was thinking about that at 25, but no man will ever want you, no man will ever respect you again. All sorts of things, people tried to put shame on me, but I was so certain that this was my path that it didn't really affect me.

Jellis Vaes
Yeah, I mean, that's amazing, right?

Ruth Ramsay
Another thing related to that is that the woman who ran the London School of Striptease, Jo King, she's still involved in the industry. That was her real name. She said to me two bits of advice. She said, number one, register as a self-employed worker immediately because people will try to tell you it's not a proper job, it's dirty, it's wrong, and you need to be able to look them in the eye and say, I'm a self-employed know, I file my taxes with HMRC, the tax body here. This is a legitimate job that I'm working hard at and building a career in and you can hold your chin high. Then. The other piece of advice from her was when you audition at a club or a pub, if you get turned down, don't take it personally that there's going to be so many knockbacks and you've got no idea why they've turned you down. And never take anything personally. But yeah, around shame, that first point of being able to say, I'm an entrepreneur, I'm a businesswoman and I'm building this career. That was part of it as well.

Jellis Vaes
Yeah. That's a good piece of advice, actually, that she gave. Also, you said that it's becoming more glamor, right, with Instagram and TikTok and everything, this job. Do you see that? And I'm just curious, right, do you see that as a good thing or as a bad thing or how do you look on that?

Ruth Ramsay
I think overall, I think it's a tricky balance. I'm struggling to have an instant reply to that. I think it partly depends what lens you're looking at it through. So in terms of people feeling empowered to express themselves as sexual beings for their own pleasure and enjoyment, that is a good thing.

Jellis Vaes
Yeah.

Ruth Ramsay
However, I'm not in the industry now, so I'm not fully up to date on what's actually happening on the ground in strip clubs. But I would imagine there's a lot of people, especially young women, going into the industry, thinking it's going to be easy, glamorous, they're going to make lots of money very, very quickly. And it's not like that. I mean, we had that issue back when I was dancing, so I danced from, let's think around 2002 to 2014. So during that time, particularly in the latter part of that time, it was just starting to become more acceptable and glamorous. And Spear MC Rhino was in London and String Fellows and all this, and there'd be stories in the paper about lap dancers making ten grand a night from a star footballer who came into the club, all that kind of stuff. And we would have young women turn up, as I say, thinking it was going to be incredibly easy and they were going to make a fortune. There's an amazing Instagram account, can I call out recommended an account called the yeah, yeah. So there's a great Instagram account called The Dancer's Resource.

Ruth Ramsay
I would have to double-check the precise hashtag for that, and it's for strippers and people who are interested in and supportive of the community, and there's a lot of retired strippers on there as well. And that's great for giving you an insight of what the industry is actually like. And they are very against these TikToks of girls saying, look, here's the five grand I made last night and here's the six grand I made the night before, of giving the impression that it's a very easy job, which it isn't. So that's the downside.

Jellis Vaes
I guess that's a bit true for many jobs these days because of social media, that they just show like, yeah, you just have to do this and that and then you will earn a lot of money, that they just kind of make it sound like it's so easy. But, yeah, most of the time the truth is that hard work is required, and it's just as true in this field of job. Right. So wait, what was the Instagram account again?

Ruth Ramsay
The dancer's resource.

Jellis Vaes
Well, I will link it up in the show notes for people listening to find it.

The IPS Academy
Before we continue with the interview, I just like to take a moment to mention if you feel that you've gained some insights and lessons from this interview and you're curious to see what else we offer at The IPS Project, I recommend that you check out The IPS Academy, where we offer online courses taught by guests here on The IPS Podcast. Learn more about essential life topics such as mental health, relationships, the mind and the body and brain through fun and interactive courses. Simply go to theipsproject.com/academy or check the description of this episode to find the link. Each course has a few lessons to try for free so you can get a taste of what the course is like. We have countless reviews from other students so you can see what others think. And there is a 30-day-money-back guarantee. If you end up not liking the course again, check them out at theipsproject.com/academy or by clicking on the link in the description of this episode. Having said that, let's return back to the interview.

Jellis Vaes
Today you work as a sex coach and educator, right? What inspired you to start coaching? And as well, let me also ask, because I think many people don't know, and neither do I, what happens during such coaching sessions?

Ruth Ramsay
Well, the way I became an adult sex educator and coach... So I danced for twelve years. Within that time, I also started teaching striptease quite quickly after I became a striptease artist, because my experience of learning it had been so incredible. So I was teaching, I started running events with other dancers, I was doing modeling, I was doing activism around sexual rights, I was doing bits of journalism, all sorts of stuff in and around that world, very, very busy, mostly in the UK, but a bit internationally. And I was totally consumed by it and I loved it. But towards the end of that twelve years, I'd met my now husband. To be with him meant moving to the countryside, basically leaving the city. So leaving the environment where all the strip venues are and becoming a stepmom, which was something I'd never imagined happening, having children in my life. So my life changed a lot. And then the kind of venues that I loved dancing in were closing down with gentrification of the East End of London, stuff like that. So add together a lot of things. Also, I was getting into my late thirty s and stripping mainstream stripping does have an expiry date of 40 generally.

Ruth Ramsay
So I moved out of London, I threw myself into this new project of let's create a happy step family. And that's the thing that I'm actually the most proud of in my life, is that that happened during that time. I qualified and trained as a personal fitness trainer, because I thought, it's going to be like stripping. I'll be on my feet, there'll be music on, I'll be self employed, I'll be meeting lots of people, and I'll be in an intimate situation with people quickly. So in a strip club, you might chat to someone for ten minutes and then go for a lap dance with them. As a personal trainer, someone comes into your studio, you chat with them for ten minutes and then they're sweating on the floor in front of you. So it's an intimate situation. So I did that and I was kind of happy, but I didn't have that deep, deep fulfillment that striptease and working in the sex industry and the adult industries have given me. And about once a year I'd get my big suitcase of striptease outfits out and think, I need to get rid of most of this, and I'd end up just crying and not able to get rid of anything.

Ruth Ramsay
So I hadn't moved on from there. And so fast forward another couple of years when my step kids were old enough to know stepmom used to be a stripper, and it meant so much to her and she won awards and she did all this amazing stuff. I then started to allow myself to think, what do I want to do next for me in my life? I'm not fulfilled running this PT studio, and I knew I wanted to get back into the sexy world, but had no idea how to do that. Still living in a little village, et cetera, et cetera. But lots of people had said to me, you'd make a great life coach. Now, as you said five minutes ago, we're constantly told, oh, this industry, it's a boom industry, you're going to make a fortune, it's going to be easy. And at that time, it was life coaching adverts everywhere become a life coach. Or certainly here in the UK.

Jellis Vaes
No. Here in Belgium. Yeah, too.

Ruth Ramsay
And everything from offers... Do a two day weekend course for 20 pounds online and become a life coach... Because it's not regulated. But anyway, I found a course that I liked the look of and thought, I'd like to learn this just from my own self knowledge as well. And I did this nine month life coaching diploma and I didn't know what my niche would be, how I would use it, but then somebody who knew about my past, so that whole twelve ish years of experience, she knew about that and she knew I'd done this diploma. And she came to me and said, I've got a proposition for you or I want to ask you something. Would you coach me around my sex life? She said, can you use your new coaching skills? She didn't say it quite like this, but what she was saying was, can you combine your new coaching skills with your life experience? And with the life experience where that comes in. She said to me, I feel so much shame around sex, around many of my desires. I'm turning 40. And she thought her time was limited, said, I'm turning 40.

I've got a finite number of shags left, is how she put it. I've got desires I've never explored. But she said, I can't even talk to my partner. I can't talk to anyone about sex, but I feel that I could talk to you because of all the things that you did in strictease et cetera. You're not going to judge me? I don't have to worry. You'll slut shame me. I've never met anyone who I felt I could talk to, but I can talk to you. Do you think you can coach me about sex? And so that was the light bulb moment of this is where it all comes together, and this is what I'm going to do going forward. So then I naively thought that I was just going to start as a sex coach and coaching. Just to clarify that for people, sex coaching is a conversational based process. It's not a physical process. People who have had business coaching understand it as sitting down and talking about your goals, et cetera, et cetera. But people outside of the business world maybe think of football coaching or that kind of thing, and they think, sex coaching?

Are you going to be in the bedroom with us? It's a conversational based process, and it's for people who are able to look forward positively at their future and people who are able to take positive action steps forward. For some people who have trauma, sexual trauma in their past that they haven't yet resolved through therapy or counseling, they're not in a place yet for coaching. And I would say ...

Jellis Vaes
It's too triggering or why?

Ruth Ramsay
Yeah, because you're not able to positively look forward and take action steps when you're being held back by unresolved trauma. So if somebody said to me, I want to have a better sex life, but anytime I try to get close to someone sexually, I just shut down, I freeze. And I think it's because I had an abusive relationship, I would say, you need therapy or counseling to move through that. But if that same person came to me six months, a year later, which has happened to say through therapy, I've dealt with that, it doesn't mean it didn't happen. It's always there as part of my past, but I can now look forward and I'm ready to make positive change. That's where coaching comes in. But before people can make the most of that of coaching, they need to have a certain basic level of understanding about how sex works, about anatomy, about desire, the kind of sex education that we should have had but didn't have at school. And I became aware of this quite quickly. Trying to coach, for example, a woman, to have more pleasure and then. Realizing that she didn't actually know where her clitoris was and that kind of thing.

So it's like, okay, there's education needed first. And so then I from there developed an online course and various webinars, built up a list of amazing resources of books, podcasts, et cetera. And that's why I now call myself an adult sex educator and sex coach. Because for the vast majority of people, the two need to go hand in hand.

Jellis Vaes
Yeah, that's absolutely true. Yes. Okay, and how long have you been doing this now?

Ruth Ramsay
Three and a half years, since I first started. So it was challenging timing, happening just as the pandemic hit, but that did give me a lot of time on the initial kind of planning stages of the business. And then in terms of how the business is going, it was steadily, steadily building. Anyone watching this who's started a business knows that there's lots of challenges. But then the big thing happened. And the reason you've contacted me, which is my TEDx Talk.

Jellis Vaes
Yeah.

Ruth Ramsay
So that has had a very positive impact, as you can imagine. So now I'm busy with a full roster of one to one clients running my online course and getting lots of opportunities to speak in the press. And looking back, if all of this had happened when I started the business, I wouldn't have been ready for it because I've now had three and a half years of life experience of talking to people endlessly about sex, both clients and non clients who are curious. And I've learned so much and I've been able to become much more realistic about the challenges people are facing. So at the very start of this interview, you said everyone enjoys sex, everyone this, everyone that, most people, right. Or you might have said most people. Most people. But I would say that the majority of people aren't enjoying sex anywhere near as much as they could.

Jellis Vaes
Okay.

Ruth Ramsay
And I now have much more of an appreciation of that. So, yeah, everything has happened at the right time.

Jellis Vaes
Well, I mean, also talking about the TEDx Talk, a big congrats. Right. I wanted to ask, actually, before we started, but I forgot about it, but yeah. Did it change your life a lot?

Ruth Ramsay
Yes, not quite as much as one might fantasize. If you'd said to me, your TEDx is going to go live in June and by mid-November it's going to have had 1.4 million views, what do you think your life will be like? I would have said I'm going to have a waiting list a year long of one to one clients, and I'm going to have 1000 people on my course, et cetera. It's not been quite like that, but it has been a very, very positive impact, both kind of internally for me as well as externally. So in terms of my confidence that, yes, this is an area where people can change their lives, that's I think the most amazing thing about the talk going viral is it's shown that when it's presented in a certain way, the topic of sex and of improving one's sex lives, when it's presented in a certain way, people can lose that shame and they'll share it with their friends. Someone said to me that they were at dinner at their boyfriend's house. This is someone in their twenty s and her boyfriend's dad at dinner started talking about my Ted Talk, not knowing that she knew me.

Ruth Ramsay
And the fact that people are talking about it and sharing it is proof that we can make positive change in this area. So, yeah, it's very validating for me.

Jellis Vaes
Yeah, it must be. It's crazy, because it has over a million views in just a couple of months. Right. Which, like you said, it shows that people are very interested in this topic. Plus, I will also say the title, amazing title, right? Revamp your sex life in six minutes. That's such a good title. And for people listening, I will also put it in the show notes because I can really recommend watching it. It's a good TEDx Talk. Really. You said the education part, right? That you're a sex coach and an educator, and like you said, this sex education is something that we didn't really get in school, which we should have. Now, everyone had some kind of sex education, right. Where you learned about oh, yeah. The importance of protection and about all the horrific diseases that you can end up with. Right. But like most people, I learned only that part. I learned nothing about what men generally tend to like, or what women generally tend to like, or just beautiful sights of what sex can be. Learned nothing about that. And most people learn nothing about that. Right. Let's say that you had to teach a class for a year of young people, and first of all, what age group would you want to focus on, and secondly, what topics would you teach them?

Ruth Ramsay
Well, first of all, I'll very much agree with you that the sex education most of us had was reproductive biology and disease prevention. That's what it was.

Jellis Vaes
Yeah.

Ruth Ramsay
Wow. So in terms of age group so, as you know, I'm an adult sex educator. I always prefix the adult because sometimes people misunderstand and think I teach in schools, which I don't. When it comes to teaching younger people younger than 16, I would always hand over to someone who's knowledgeable and qualified in child and young person psychology, et cetera. There is an incredible resource, sexpositivefamilies.com, which provides resources and guidance, age appropriate information, starting right from kind of toddlerhood, at which point they're sort of suggesting teaching that your body is your own. So bodily autonomy can start right. From a very young age. For me, ideally, if I was qualified to teach younger people, one would want to do that before they'd started learning too many negative lessons and the starting point would be learning about themselves and their bodies as their own source of pleasure, including sexual pleasure. So before we even begin thinking about bringing someone else or other people into the picture that your body is your own, that it is an amazing, wonderful generator of pleasure, that that's healthy physically, mentally, and to kind of develop one's own sovereignty. So a sense of one's own rights and power when it comes to one's own body, then from that place, we can then consider if or when to bring somebody else into it.

But I think so many people and something I hear from so many women who I coach who've reached a point where they've decided they want a better sex life and they're ready to take action steps through coaching. They'll say sex has always been for someone else. It's always been for my partner's pleasure. And sometimes they'll say not because the partners I've had have been selfish or horrible at all. It's just how it's always been. Very often I hear from women, I was told, as a woman, it's your duty to your boyfriend or husband or whatever, that it's about his pleasure. Women who are in midlife or older tell me that they were very much taught that don't expect it to be fun, don't expect it to be pleasurable, but just lie back and get on with it. But unfortunately, even when I coach younger women, late 20s, early 30s, they'll say sex has always been something done to me and for somebody else's pleasure. So that would be the fundamental first lesson that I would teach. In that scenario that you described, this sounds like your body is your own for your pleasure.

Jellis Vaes
Yeah. Wait. Well, let me first ask, would there be another topic you would teach in that year to people?

Ruth Ramsay
Well, I was going to say you gave me a year. So we have a lot of topics.

Jellis Vaes
Not like 100 topics now, but just what would be another essential topic that you feel like, wow, we should have learned about this from an earlier age.

Ruth Ramsay
Anatomy and sexual science. The science of how the human body experiences desire. What we're shown in film and TV and culture as what sex should be. So if it's a heterosexual encounter, that penetrative intercourse is real sex and nothing else is real sex, for example. So I would try to help people vastly broaden their minds around what sex is. We've talked already about a sense of their own bodily autonomy and right to pleasure. Anatomy and sexual science and communication. Actually, there would be a big module on communication, verbal communication. So learn about yourself first. Understand yourself. And then how do you then explain those things? Explain your sexual self to a partner? And how do you listen and understand when they're explaining themselves to you?

Jellis Vaes
And for someone listening, since we didn't get that class from you, what would be a good first step to learn about what you like yourself. Is there something of an exercise or something of a resource that you could recommend?

Ruth Ramsay
Well, in terms of the first step of understanding anatomy and sex science there is the book that I recommend the most to people, which is called Come as You Are by Emily Nogoski. So she's a big speaker on the Ted platform as well. When you look at it, it's kind of aimed at people with vulvas. But it's an amazing read and suitable for absolutely everyone. And within that, there's also exercises and suggestions about how to learn what turns you on and what gives you pleasure. But understanding your anatomy is something that needs to happen first and understanding how sexual desire works.

Jellis Vaes
Okay. All right.

Ruth Ramsay
And then to answer your question a bit more precisely, though, in terms of learning what we like, the first step to that is trying to get rid of all the conditioning of what we should like. So what we've seen on TV penetrative intercourse in missionary position should make you orgasm in three minutes. If you love your partner, if you're a functioning woman, if things are right, unlearning all of that and starting again. And in fact, one of the best resources that I've read for that again, it's a book. It's called Transsex. It's by an author called Lucy. L-U-C-I-E Lucy Fielding. And it's a book for coaches, therapists, medical professionals working with people who are transgender for them to create an enjoyable sex life. And an exercise that she suggests for that kind of client is a kind of reimagining of the body trying to get out of the idea that, as she puts it, a penis must be bobbed and a clitoris must be swirled. You know, we think of the typical movements. And the way that I share this with clients is if you were an alien spirit sort of suddenly dropped into your body and you knew nothing, you've never seen any porn or mainstream is just as bad as porn.

You don't know anything. All you know is suddenly you have this physical body and, wow, things feel nice. What would you do? How would you explore? Lucy Fielding calls it a reimagining of the body. So I would encourage everyone, literally everyone watching, if possible, to have a bit of a think about that. And if you have masturbation, a self-pleasure practice to kind of explore yourself from the sense of, yeah, if I was suddenly dropped into this body so we wouldn't go straight to the genitals necessarily, we might find we have amazing sensation elsewhere. Another exercise is if you could develop orgasmic levels of pleasurable sensation in a part of the body that wasn't the genitals, where would that be? Because we just go straight to the genitals in sex. I know I'm rambling a bit now, but as you can no, it's interesting.

Jellis Vaes
It's really interesting. Go on.

Ruth Ramsay
Yeah, there's a concept called transfer orgasms. So I did a lot of campaigning and activism work around the rights of people with physical disabilities to have a sexual life and to be recognized as sexual beings. And within that community, I learned so much. And one of them was that people with paralysis affecting the genitals can develop orgasmic sensation capacity elsewhere. So I like to say to clients, for you, where would that be? And I'll typically share that for me, it would be my hands and forearms, feet is a popular one. And that's part of this reimagining the body as a sexual tool for you uniquely, where's that sensation? And I had feedback once from a guy who was on my course who had said that. I think he was 38, late 30s. He said, for the first time, thanks to this, I've been able to acknowledge within myself first and then tell my partner that actually I get more turned on by having my ears lightly touched and sort of blown against and whispered in than by having my penis touched. And I've always felt wrong and ashamed because I'm a man, I should want that genital stimulation, but actually my ears and that recognizing that had unlocked this whole new pleasure experience for him and his partner.

Jellis Vaes
Okay. Wow. Very interesting. Yeah. Also, all the resources that you mentioned for people listening again will be linked up in the show notes. Just curious, what are your thoughts like? Because you hear Tantra, you hear this quite a lot at the moment, or that's at least what I think. What are your thoughts around that?

Ruth Ramsay
Around Tantra?

Jellis Vaes
Yeah, because it also sounds like something I don't know that much about it, but it also sounds like it is something where you explore your sexual energy and what you like yourself physically or like it's about it's not just about sex. Right. It's about sexual energy, if I get that right. But it also sounds like a way to learn what you as an individual like. But I could be wrong in this. I don't know.

Ruth Ramsay
So I haven't done any tantra courses. I'm not qualified in Tantra in any way. But from my understanding of it, from the few workshops and stuff like that, that I've been on well, for a start, it's a vast area. There's Ancient Tantra. There's Neo Tantra. There's lots of different schools of Tantra. So if it's something that you're curious about, first of all, I would say try and learn about the differences. And I don't have a resource at the front of my mind to suggest with that. I know there is a great book called Urban Tantra. I can't think who it's by. But yeah, at its core, from my understanding, Tantra is recognizing that ultimately we are all about energy. Energy flow through the body, cultivating and building our erotic energy before then sharing it with somebody else.

Jellis Vaes
Okay, well, I'll link up the book.

Ruth Ramsay
And ultimately it's mindfulness.

Jellis Vaes
Yeah, I've heard you use the word in an interview that you did sex surrogacy. What is sex surrogacy? Because I didn't know it, I had to look it up. But for people listening who don't know what that word means, what is it?

Ruth Ramsay
Sex surrogacy.

Jellis Vaes
Oh, sorry. Wow. That's my bad English there. Yes, you're correct.

Ruth Ramsay
Okay, so this isn't a field that I'm directly involved in, but it's something which I have knowledge around.

Jellis Vaes
Okay.

Ruth Ramsay
Sex surrogacy is physical sexual sessions to help people become more confident, more knowledgeable, and more empowered about their bodies and about the bodies of partners. So when I was saying about transfer orgasms for people with paralysis affecting sensation in the genitals, the way I first found out about that was by meeting a sex surrogate. She worked with people with physical disabilities or who'd had accidents or injuries in getting to know their sexual bodies, and she actually worked with them physically. Another typical area for sex surrogacy is adult virgins. So imagine if you're a 40 year old guy, you've never had physical sexual contact with someone else. So imagine all the shame around that. Imagine how impossible it might feel if the opportunity were there to have that kind of experience and to learn. Now, somebody in that situation might not want to visit a sex worker, so what we would have called years ago, a prostitute. They might want instead an experience of learning, basically teaching. Sex surrogates teach people how to have sex, but in a physical, hands on way. So the legality of this is obviously different. In different countries, they might work with people with extreme physical disabilities who otherwise wouldn't have any kind of sexual experience or learning about themselves as sexual beings.

But crucially, they're working on a kind of educational framework specific to that client to move them to a point where they can then go forward confidently in their own sexual life. Okay, so a key difference between that and a sex worker a sex worker might want this person to keep coming back as a repeat client. Repeat client. Repeat client, yeah.

Jellis Vaes
I see.

Ruth Ramsay
Whereas a sex surrogate will want to get you to them to the point where they go, off you go into your new, gloriously, empowered sexual life. There's a blog piece on my website about this, and actually, out of my blog, it's the one that gets the biggest number of hits, and I interview a sex surrogate on there about what exactly is the work about, and if people are interested, how do they find a surrogate?

Jellis Vaes
All right, very interesting.

Ruth Ramsay
There was also a great film called The Sessions, I think it was called, with Helen Hunt, based on a true story of a man with a degenerative condition who knew he only had a few years left of life, who'd never had sex. The only touch he'd experienced was medicalized, and he wanted to experience sex. So he found a surrogate because a surrogate will also be very skilled around how to do that. So actually, I know someone who does do this work now, and she knows which hotels in London have hoists above the baths, for example, to help someone with limited physical ability get in and out of the bath. She knows where all the wheelchair accessible places are. Yeah, I think it is incredible work. Yeah, it is really amazing.

Jellis Vaes
And you know someone who does that?

Ruth Ramsay
Yes. I wouldn't be comfortable sharing her name on here, and I also know she's extremely busy, but if anybody watching did want a London based recommendation, then reach out to me, and I can share that with her consent.

Jellis Vaes
I see. But it is beautiful work, right? And yeah, it's amazing. It's teaching people. Like you said, it's not just about sex, but it's about education in the end.

Ruth Ramsay
Yeah.

Jellis Vaes
Okay.

Ruth Ramsay
Can I just say one more thing, actually related to the sex surrogacy?

Jellis Vaes
Oh, yeah.

Ruth Ramsay
I believe that the majority of us are sexual beings. It's part of the makeup of being human, and that to not be recognized as such, to have that denied, is very damaging. When I was doing work around the cause of the sexual rights of people with disabilities, it was incredible work because, for example, there was an annual strip show that I was involved in that was for an audience of people with physical disabilities, and it would be men and women. And the most amazing thing was the women, they'd come in with, like, corsets draped across them in wheelchairs, feather boas makeup, and they were very enthusiastic about the show. And I remember after the first time I'd done that, we'd go out and mingle in the audience, and this woman said to me, thank you for giving me, just for this one evening, an environment where I can express myself as a sexual woman, because the rest of the time I'm treated as if I am sexless. This attitude when people are younger of they're never going to have sex.

Within the very narrow confines of we think sex is penetrative intercourse. They're never going to have sex. So don't teach them about it. Don't tell them anything about it, and certainly don't ever treat them as if they're a sexual being. I think that's massively damaging. And I saw myself, the power in simply being recognized. And if I look at you and you look at me, and we have this recognition if I'm dancing, of, hey, I'm sexy, you're sexy, we're both sexy, that doesn't translate into, therefore we have to want to go to bed together. It's a separate thing. Erotic and sexual energy is a beautiful, I think, nourishing healthy and important thing in its own right that doesn't have to then lead to an act of sex. And I think that's something that people have got so wrong, and it's something that stops people talking about sex. Oh, but if I talk about sex, with my friend. What if we get a bit turned on and what if we want to go to bed with each other? I'm trying not to use F word or anything here, but I think it's not like that. And, yeah, that recognition that we're sexual beings is so important and that's a part of sex surrogacy.

Jellis Vaes
Yeah. And that's maybe suppressed by a lot of people too.

Ruth Ramsay
Right, yeah. Anyway, onto your question sorry.

Jellis Vaes
No, anything more that you can share on this is I mean, it's super interesting, so don't mind. I mean, talking actually about the work that you did with disabled people. It was a workshop that you did there, right?

Ruth Ramsay
So I did various things. I took part in this annual striptease show that was dedicated for an audience of people with disabilities. I danced at care homes, I met a guy who worked for a charity called Deafblind UK. I met him when he brought a group of deafblind guys into the strip club that I was working at. He then eventually got sacked by the charity for taking clients to strip clubs. But he felt, these guys, why shouldn't they go to a strip club if they want to go to a strip club just because they're deaf and blind? And he would organize these trips to this club that I used to work at that was very open and friendly and welcoming to all sorts of audiences. So that's how I met him. And then did some work with one client in particular who was deaf and blind on him, recognizing himself as an erotic being, as someone who could enjoy a striptease show. And we actually did that on stage at the Royal College of Medicine here in London when they were voting to decide whether to recognize sex work as something positive for people with disabilities or not.

That's also where I met the surrogate who I mentioned. And actually, there's coverage of this still exists online. I'll send you a link. And so I performed on stage to this audience of medics for Jimmy, my deaf blind client, and then he explained to the audience afterwards what it had meant to him in his journey with me to be recognized as an Iraq.

Jellis Vaes
He was deaf and blind?

Ruth Ramsay
Deaf and blind. Yeah.

Jellis Vaes
How did this look like?

Ruth Ramsay
He had his assistant signing on his hand, explaining what I was doing, and then he would say, for example, OK, she's coming closer, she's going to run her hair across your hand. And I would do that. So I would be communicating with JJ, his interpreter, so that he would have time to say, now, this is going to take she's just taking her dress off, she's going to put it in your lap so you can feel the fabric, for example. Performing for him, it would be very much about how things felt about perfume, softness of hair, all that kind of thing, but I'll send you a link to the report on that royal College of Medicine day. But then otherwise I was doing a lot of fundraising for a charity called Outsiders, which helps people with disabilities find romantic and sexual partners. And there's an annual award show in support of that called the Erotic Awards. And I was nominated in the Stripper of the Year category. Nominated didn't win in like, my second year stripping and then became very involved. I sat on the judging panel one year. I presented the award show a few years running, lap danced for charity at their parties endlessly.

Ruth Ramsay
And after ten years, I got recognized with an Erotic Award myself, recognizing that ten years of campaigning for the cause. Now, what's amazing now in 2023, as we're recording this, is that the disabled community no longer kind of needs someone like me as an ally and promotional tool because of social media. So back then, in 2004, if you wanted to get a story in the press about the sexual rights of people with disabilities, the way to frame that was, oh, look, there's this six foot four stripper solitaire dancing at a care home for people with disabilities. That was what would get people interested and get the press writing. Whereas, as I say these days, happily with the online world and with social media and with accessibility, you don't need someone like me to do that. People can speak up and advocate for themselves now, which is amazing, obviously.

Jellis Vaes
Yeah. That's an amazing part of it. And amazing work that you did. Right. That's so beautiful, actually. And it's such a part that you... I mean, not being disabled don't think about right. That they too are indeed sexual beings. So that's beautiful.

Ruth Ramsay
Yeah. The resource for that in the UK certainly is a charity group called Undressing Disability. So I'll send you a link to share and anyone who's interested in that topic and in learning more should check them out.

Jellis Vaes
Cool, yeah, definitely send it to me. Now, there are also many people listening now who might not be disabled, but who also don't see themselves as erotic or sexy. What would you suggest to someone listening who feels this way to think, if.

Ruth Ramsay
They don't think they are erotic or sexy, how are they defining that? Who do they consider to be erotic and sexy? And maybe they'll bring to mind a character on a TV show or something, or maybe a real life celebrity who typically will fit society's standards of attractiveness, physical ability, age, all these things. And then to think, okay, well, who or what has taught you that that's what sexually empowered a sexy person is? And it's that same process that we discussed at the start of where has this belief come from? Can I trust the source of this belief? Is that source always correct? Then also, though, to think in whose benefit is it for me to feel that I'm not a sexual being, I'm not attractive, being shut down like that. In whose benefit is it? Is it commercial corporations whose products I'm going to be buying in the hope that my skin will glow and that I'll achieve a certain body shape? For example, there's a concept of pleasure activism which is saying I don't fit the rules society sets of who's allowed to be sexual, but I'm going to go ahead and be it anyway.

And then the last bit of advice would be to go out and look for the communities of people who mainstream society would say they're not allowed to be sexual, such as people with disabilities, and realize that all sorts of people who the mainstream might think aren't having a great sexy time are having a better time than the mainstream people. So again, this is where the online world is a fantastic resource. So maybe everybody should go and check out undressing disability, in fact. And then one more book recommendation. Magnificent sex lessons from extraordinary lovers by dr. Peggy Kleinplatz. She set out to survey couples who'd been together for 25 years or longer and who reported themselves as having incredible sex. And she had far, far more responses than she'd imagined of couples saying, yeah, this is us. And she interviewed them about the keys to this long term epic sex life. And they were not about age, looks, physical ability, socioeconomic status, kinky or vanilla tastes. It was not about that at all. It was about education, knowing one's body, being able to communicate with a partner, and approaching sex with a kind of curious and playful mindset.

And that's something that all of us can do. And when you start to think in that way, combine all those last few things that I've said, and hopefully you then start to feel more comfortable within yourself as a sexual being.

Jellis Vaes
And how would you say for someone listening, because talking about what you want and being shy or insecure about it, to talk about that with your partner, it's a real thing, right? And especially if you've been in a marriage for 1020 years and you never did that. It's really how do you do that, right? Maybe with clients that you work with who have that problem. How do you do this? How do you start communicating about your desires to your partner when it is not the usual that you do well?

Ruth Ramsay
This could be a whole podcast in its own right. I have a workshop called let's Talk About Sex, which is a workshop on sexual communication. The first step is to acknowledge that it's difficult. Acknowledge with your partner, this is embarrassing and strange and isn't it weird? We talk about everything, but we've never talked about this. But a great tip is to use an outside tool. So this is where my TEDx Talk has proven to be magic. I've had so many messages from people around the. World saying, my partner and I have never talked about sex, but I watched your talk and I shared it with my partner and then we talked about it. So it's much less threatening than sitting down. You and I are going to talk about our sex life. Instead, we're going to watch and discuss this other thing and this other thing that is positive and has lots of actionable tips in it and is going to help us move forward. My TEDx Talk rather than, let's talk about how bad things are, as a coach, I'm very kind of very positive and upbeat and saying, let's be led by pleasure.

And then the other big tip around making communication easier is to listen to podcasts about sex, because we never hear these words out loud. You and I have talked to a degree now, but as we recognized at the very start when you asked about shame and I said, the reason the shame remains partly is because we never talk about sex. So you listen to podcasts on sex and on a reputable podcast platform, if you put sex in, you'll get education, not porn. And you'll be like, hearing all these things said out loud, oh, I never knew how that was pronounced, even with certain words. Obviously, you're learning through the content educationally, but you're learning that it's okay to talk about sex. I do online webinars. There's lots of great sex educators there. Just become comfortable hearing sex spoken about, and hopefully if you have a partner, they're up for doing the same thing, doing some listening, not necessarily together, normalize the process of talking about it, and then you should be a lot more comfortable actually talking about it together.

Jellis Vaes
Do you have any podcast suggestions?

Ruth Ramsay
Well, there's lots and lots of sex education podcasts out. Yeah, yeah. I personally love one that's simply called Sexology Podcast with Dr. Nazanin Ma Ali. But that's I was about to say it's quite sciency. It's not sciency, but for me as a sex educator, I absolutely love it. It teaches me new things. It gets me thinking about things, but it might not be for everyone. Put sex into your podcast platform and you will, I'm sure, find one that suits your tone of voice, if you know what I mean.

Jellis Vaes
Yeah. And also if you type in Sexology podcast and you will get other suggestions there too, normally, right? Yeah. I mean, there's so many podcasts on this. Okay.

Ruth Ramsay
Yeah. And there's ones aimed at different age groups and all sorts. There's dedicated ones for people who had faith upbringings that have caused some problems. There's dedicated ones for monogamous married couples. There's all sorts out there. So enjoy exploring, which is good because.

Jellis Vaes
It's really about, like you said, normalizing this topic. If it's difficult for you to talk about it or to hear things about it, then normalize it and it will become a lot. It's like exposing yourself to something that you're afraid of in a way. And if you do that more and more each time, it will become more normal and less scary. Ruth, I could throw, I mean, literally, so many more questions at you. There's so much sex, such an interesting topic. I skipped over quite a few questions because I also wanted to be respectful for your time. But who knows, in the future we'll do a round two or something. But thank you.

Ruth Ramsay
Yeah, viewers, if you want around two, let us know in the comments.

Jellis Vaes
Exactly. But thank you for doing this interview and really for this work that you're doing. I mean, you're a really well spoken person, very knowledgeable and very passionate about this topic, and we need more people like you doing this. So I really appreciate it that you share all this out there in the world and that you do this work.

Ruth Ramsay
Thank you.

Jellis Vaes
Before we end the interview, there is one last end question that I have for you that I ask all my guests. But before I ask that question, what is the best place for people to connect with you? Or is there a specific place that you would like to send listeners to?

Ruth Ramsay
My website, which is Ruthramsay.com. Now, if you're typing in Ramsay, the end is a y, not e y. People often. Misspell Ruth Ramsay. So Ruthramsay.com and then from there, you can access my Instagram, etc, etc. But I think the thing that I'm most proud of, that people can easily access is my weekend newsletter. So it's called something for the weekend. It lands in inboxes at 07:00 on a Saturday morning. And what I aim to do each week is share something that readers can put into practice that weekend in their sex lives, whether they're single or partnered. So maybe there's been a new piece of research come out about sexual pleasure that I share and then say, how does this apply to you? Maybe there's been a theme that's kept coming up in my coaching that month that I write about and then share a coaching exercise to help people understand more about that. That's my intent every week is to help people learn and also to provide a talking point. So people will say, "On a Saturday morning, as soon as I've woken up, I find your email and my partner and I snuggle in bed and we read it and we talk about it".

Ruth Ramsay
Okay, so you can sign up for that at ruthramsay.com/weekend. And if any viewers are on Substack. So Substack is a social media writing platform. I'm on Substack as well now with the newsletter. So just search for Ruth Ramsay on substack.

Jellis Vaes
So for everyone listening, that will be linked up in the show notes. Sounds like an email newsletter that I should sign up too. Sounds very interesting. You'll see me added to it, too. I also saw on your website, by the way, that you have a couple of online workshops like Feel Confident Naked', Understanding Your Erotic Mind, How to Please a Woman, which actually caught my eye immediately. I will also link them up in the Show Notes for people listening because they looked very interesting. And I will also add, and I'm not saying that that might not change in the future, but they're also priced at a range that everyone could buy it. It's not like some ridiculous 1000 euro or dollar price tag on it. So I do appreciate that actually, as well. Everyone can buy this. That's good.

Ruth Ramsay
Yeah, that's my intention. Business coaches will say to me, oh, the price needs to be way, way higher, times it by seven or eight. But I want everybody to be able to access this information. So those are three of the workshops that I've found are most useful among the 10-12 or so workshops I have. And so that's why I've made those ones available instantly via the website.

Jellis Vaes
I see. Okay. So also they will be linked up in the Show Notes. Ruth, the final end question that I have for you and take your time with this. It can be very short, or you can make it as long as you want. But from everything that you've seen, experienced, lived and learned in your life, what is the one thing you know to be true.

Ruth Ramsay
That everybody who wishes to experience it has the capacity to enjoy sexual pleasure.

Jellis Vaes
Ruth, thank you again for being here on the show.

Ruth Ramsay
Pleasure.

Jellis Vaes
And that concludes my episode with adult sex educator and coach Ruth Ramsay. I hope that you did learn a whole bunch of things here in this episode and that it might have helped you maybe to break some of that stigma around sex or to help you just consciously better your sex life. Now, to find any of the resources mentioned in this episode, because Ruth did mention quite some... Quite a lot of resources, a lot of great resources. So to find any of them, check out the show notes located in the description of this episode. Or if you can find them there, you can also go directly to theipsproject.com/podcast and search for Ruth. There as well in the show notes, you can find all ways to connect with her. With that thank you once again for being here and maybe I get to welcome you soon once again here on The IPS podcast. Until then, this is your host, Jellis Vaes, signing off.

The IPS Academy
Before you take off, if you already feel like you've gained many lessons and insights from this episode and you want to continue your journey of personal growth, be sure to take a look at The IPS Academy, where we offer in depth, quality and fun online courses from experts that have appeared here on the podcast. Learn from a two time world record holder how to master goal setting and confidence. Learn from a certified stress educator how to manage your stress and live a more balanced life. Learn from a therapist how to heal past wounds. And learn from a neuroscientist to master your mindset. These are but some of the course topics you can find at The IPS Academy. Each course we offer is made with fun animations and stunning illustrations. There are also a few lessons to try for free so you can get a taste of what the course is like. We have countless reviews from other students so you can see what others think. And last but not least, there is a 30 day money back guarantee if you end up not liking the course. If any of this sounds interesting to you, you can check out our courses by going to TheIPSProject.com/academy or by clicking on the link in the description of this episode.

If you feel that you’ve gained some insights and lessons from this interview, and you are curious to see what else we offer at The IPS Project, check out The IPS Academy, where we offer online courses taught by guests here on The IPS Podcast.

Learn more about essential life topics, such as mental health, relationships, the mind, and the body and the brain, through fun and interactive courses. Simply go to TheIPSProject.com/academy.

What is also interesting to note is that all the courses are quite affordable, as we at The IPS Project do not want money to stand in the way of bettering one's life. Each course has a few lessons to try for free, so you get a taste of what the course is like.

We have countless reviews from other students so you can see what others think, and there is a 30-day money-back guarantee if you end up not liking the course. Again, check them out at TheIPSProject.com/academy.

FOLLOW Ruth Ramsay

Sex Educator & Coach

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Jellis Vaes